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constellational) wrote2022-10-01 12:46 am
constellational) wrote2022-10-01 12:46 am
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nightfell inbox.
š š¾šøš²š“ | šš“šš | š°š²ššøš¾š½
š š¾šøš²š“ | šš“šš | š°š²ššøš¾š½
no subject
he doesnāt know how to feel about that. shiroās the leader. shiroās the one who always knows what to do. and yet, here he is willingly letting keith dictate. but maybe that isn't so odd, afterall. shiro wanted this for him, right? itās just another contrast to the pretend shiro; that shiro didnāt like delegating to keithās lead, despite saying, often, that black chose keith.
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the voice comes and goes, disappearing entirely as his chest expands on the next breath, air locking up on a cough that doesnāt quite come. he watches shiro ruin his pants, still a little befuddled by shiro being absentminded enough to touch his hair in the first place. he silently shaking his head. no, they didnāt say where. maybe thatās obvious, too. briefly, his eyes droop to shiroās mouth. itās a weighty moment, one that slams into him and blooms his cheeks pink as he hastily redirects his gaze to the side. one beat, two, and then heās cracking a half-smile, ignoring the gallop of his heartbeat thatās pounding in his ears. ]
Donāt worry. I got it. [ cheeks, nose, lips ā keith skips all of them. shiroās floof is slicked back, leaving his forehead on full display and that strip of real-estate looks good as any to try. so biting the bullet and shoving down his awkward, flustered feeling, keith places a hand on the towel looped at shiroās neck and leans down. his lips are a touch chapped, he doesnāt take care of himself as he should, but he hopes shiro doesnāt mind the dryness as he lingers through the pressure. a little more and he pulls away, bottom lip already caught between his teeth as he holds his breath and waits. any second now, right? ]
no subject
itās natural for shiro to pass the proverbial baton to keith. to entrust him with his life, even, but also, to ensure that heās comfortable enough to do whatever is asked of him. apparently, he is. shiroās blood thrums uneven in his ears, knuckles white (and black) on his stained pants. whatever he was expecting, it wasnāt this, a warm touch in the middle of his forehead, and his eyes close on their own volition. itās so stupidly soft it flutters down to his stomach, and shiro sits there like heās been wrapped in a snug cocoon, the angles of his face shaping his expression almost blissful.
and then nothing. keith retreats, and it takes a few seconds for shiro to blink and look, glancing down his own body through a subsiding haze. ā« Ohā¦ āŖ still the same. wrinkling his nose, he relieves his throat of encumbrancesātangible and abstract bothāswallowing down a small blossom. he thinks thatās what it is, anyway. ā«
So youāre not a princess after all. āŖ he grins lopsided, absentmindedly scratching at the very faint stubble growing along his jawline. ā« Thank you, Keith. For trying.
let's pretend that netherworld hair dye only has to stay in for, like, 5 minutes LOL
Iāll check the library.
[ heāll read every damn book in the place if he has to; then and only then, when he has a remedy to this shrinking, will he accept a thank you. he wets his lips on the thought, and catches himself a moment later, insides fluttering when he realizes, oh, right, those were just against shiroās skin.
huffing at his own ridiculousness is the only acceptable reaction then, as well as turning on the faucet. ]
But letās rinse this out first.
nether magic is the best magic
and that lingering sensation on his forehead, softening all his ragged edges, is a beacon of peace he hasnāt allowed himself in quite some time. ā«
Iāll come with. āŖ he says it tentatively, watching him like a mother hen as he approaches the sink, accepting keithās implied invitation. and then, inevitablyā¦ ā« Keith. āŖ he canāt stand the way he gets so easily defeated when anything shiro-related fizzles. ā« Youāre not responsible for any of this. The curse, the cure. Maybe it just takes some time to take effect.
no subject
heās been stuck on that a lot recently. worry. sometimes it feels bigger than himself, like thereās so much of it that his body canāt contain the ache and strain of him caring so much for one person. itās here now, potent and heavy, the feeling saturating his senses andā¦ ā oh. itās not just his. the bond bleeds the lines and he feels a hint of shiroās emotion; sweeter than his own, and gentle in intensity, more of a passing care, rather than the bone deep fright keith has every time he thinks he may very well be losing shiro again.
no. heās not going to lose him. heās going to figure this out.
heās certain of that, only because heās entirely unwilling to exist in the reality in which that doesnāt hold true. itās justā¦ ā he shakes his head, leaving the faucet running despite neither of them doing much of anything with it. ]
I donāt think curses operate on patience. [ theyāre broken or theyāre not; curses donāt just ease off. ] The kiss didnāt work, end of story. [ or it wasnāt done in the right spot. stupid; heās not going to keep kissing his best friend all over on the off chance that it works, especially when shiroās already dismissed the whole thing as a good try. ] So come on, lemme wash that out.
no subject
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and thatās pretty much how it goes, every time he thinks to address his shortcomings. his shadow wonāt even let him ponder in peaceā¦ and keith is running out of patience. shiro scowls at that, though it lacks in severity; heās pouting, more or less, agreeing with a semi-reluctant nod as he bends over and lets the running water splash over his head.
whatās wrong with a little patience!! ā« You knowā¦ āŖ one second. two seconds. ā« ā¦and Iām not saying it will work, but it did take a few days for me to reach this size. āŖ which means itās entirely plausible for the cure to take its sweet time too. yeah?? ā« Weāve got options left, as you said. Weāll probably have to try a number of them before we see any result. Donāt let it get to you just yet, alright? āŖ and he cranes his neck a little, turning his head just enough to show an encouraging smile, despite all that water forcing him to close his eyes.
he looks ridiculous. ā«
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Are you seriously giving me a pep talk while taking a shower in the sink? Focus.
[ his chiding is gentle, even shallow with the way there is clearly a laugh underlying his voice. if shiro feels something akin to a playful flick of one of his dumbo ears? purely an accident; keith is merely directing water and washing out dye. ]
But yeah. [ a pause, his voice sobering. ] Alright. [ another pause, this time punctuated with a long inhale that still doesnāt seem to fill his lungs to capacity. the exhale carries its own strain but heās getting used to that; he wonders how long sicknesses last in the netherworld. ] Iām sorry. [ is he supposed to apologize for being high-strung on worry? probably. ] I justā¦
[ he trails off, dallying on his words as he ruffles the hair at the back of shiroās head, getting the last of the dye. he turns off the water and grabs at the towel around shiroās neck, pressing it to his hair. a sigh and a resumed: ] I wish the universe would give you a break. You deserve a break.
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Thatās the one foe neither of us can beat. āŖ keithās apology still rings in his ears, stings where his throatās tighter. he smiles rueful, arm dropping limp at his side as he stares down and sighs, long and deep. ā«
Keith. āŖ he peers up, only when heās sure he wonāt break. ā« I know you care. Youāve gone through hell and back for me, because of me, and I canāt imagine what itās been like for you, to wait for the next curveball to hit. āŖ ever since theyāve known each other, itās been tragedy after tragedy. itās got to be exhausting. ā« But all we can do is take it one day at a time. Iām still here, arenāt I? Almost in one piece, and now with extra appendages. āŖ nails. teeth. lips part on a tentative smirk, showing them off as he shrugs half-playful. ā« Besidesā¦ Iāve got bunnies now. My luckās bound to change.
no subject
truthfully, keith wishes he wouldnāt prod at his own traumas, but even then, even when tactics are, frankly, in poor taste, theyāre effective. keith smiles back, faint at first and then growing stronger at bunnies and luck. again, heās using his own shirt as a towel, though this time, his gaze never strays from shiro. ]
I dunno about that. [ and now itās less of a smile, closer to a smirk. ] You named one of them Lance. [ he reaches down to take that towel dangling from shiroās fingers and moves one step closer to give shiroās hair one last, thorough rub. ] Thatās just asking for trouble. [ towel away now andā¦ he snorts on a laugh he doesnāt quite muffle. he got shiroās floof real good; it stands upright for a grand total of 1.43 seconds, before the dampness of it weighs it down, the whole thing flopping down the center line of his forehead. ]
no subject
when he refocuses on keith, his eyes shine a little. ā« I should count my blessings then. I couldāve named one of them āKeithā. āŖ itās a fond, playful tease, and the light mirth in his gaze shows as much. keithās no stranger to trouble makingājust in a different wayāand oh man. how he misses the team. at the same time, heād rather they be safe somewhere else, but having them all here again, privy to their collective quirks and camaraderie, would beā¦ well. very nice.
nicer than the pressure in his lungs and the constant itch in his throat that forces him to clear it yet again, wiping the corner of his mouth with the back of his head. ā« And speaking ofā¦ āŖ itās not even really related, but there he goes blinking at his reflection, seemingly appreciative of the way his hair looks. ā« How much of me can youā¦ feel? āŖ since theyāre on the subject of luck and weird occurrences. the question is casual enough, contrasting a bit with the mild apprehension deepening the lines of his forehead, vaguely bashful. ā«
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heās hit with that joy in just about every way; sees it, hears it, feels it. it fills his insides with warm, sugary-feeling, so sweet that his fingers curl and dig into the towel, held there close to his own diaphragm. his cheeks twitch from the stretch of his smile. the biggest lie of keithās life is that people say heās got an impenetrable wall around himself. untrue; heās, unfortunately, not all that skilled at maintaining any sort of poker face. so heās on full display here: soft, incriminatingly besotted eyes, tracking shiroās every movement as his best friend looks himself over in the mirror.
his only saving grace is that shiro is distracted. though, they are soulmates, perhaps shiro doesnāt have to look at him to know. the fact that shiro brings it up only lends to that idea and as if caught, keith abruptly looks down. theyāve talked about it a few times, but accidental soulmates quickly became the lesser issue with vampirism and shrinking curses occurring in tandem. keith isn't anxious having to discuss it; itās shiro, who is always a soothing presence at the other end of the bond. but itās not easy to parse through this, either. ]
I can feel your emotions. [ a beat. ] Sometimes. [ another beat and now heās got his eyebrows pulled together and high, knitted on a wrinkle that can only be described as befuddlement. ] Sometimes itās hard to know whereā¦ you end and I begin? Likeā¦ sometimes what youāre feeling is what I think Iām feeling. [ he wrings the towel, diverting some of that agitated uncertainty. ] Itās confusing.
[ wait. he stops playing with the towel and lifts his gaze, looking to shiro. ]
But not in a bad way.
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itās vaguely alarming. he knew, obviously. thereās a ton of things he isnāt sure are entirely his ownāfeelings, that isāthough there are a few he knows fully belong to him, and heād rather keep those under the radar. it is confusing, and the worst that could happen would be leading keith to believe that he feels something he actually doesnāt. so he nods, almost cautious as he slowly takes it all in, mouth slightly pursed. ā«
Not in a bad way. āŖ he concedes, both pensive and still vaguely sheepish, which he immediately notices as his eyes sharpen on his reflection. his nose wriggles in an effort to reshape his expression, leaving a hint of fondness across his lips as everything else is packed and locked away. ā« If it does get overwhelmingāwhich I assume it mightānever hesitate to tell me, alright? āŖ one brow rises a little higher, mouth pinched at one corner. ā« Donāt agree too fast. Iāll know if you lie. āŖ and he winks. ā«
no subject
fuck no.
keith has no intention of making shiro feel guilty over living, breathing, being. but shiro knows him enough to call him out. he clamps his lips together, promptly sputtering at the cheeky, little wink. dammit shiro. he looks to the side, mouth pulling hard to one side as well, caught in the way that he has no means to actually deny considering a little, white lie. good-humored stays his mood though and heās not actually upset for being pushed into a cornerā¦ because he has an easy way out. ]
Iāll tell you. [ he puts the towel down on the sinkās counter. ] But my threshold for overwhelming is pretty high.
[ meaning? yeah, no, heās never going to bring it up to shiro. ]
no subject
So you wonāt. āŖ look. he knows just how resilient keith has always been. despite the many struggles that painted his youth, he stands stronger than ever; he overcame them all. he continues to do so, with added strain on his back because of shiroās own pains. itās pointless to tell him to let them go, which is, ironically, one of said painsāheās never wanted keith to suffer on his behalf. the thought sobers him up a little, the laugh subsides, and he sighs somewhat resigned, a flat, lopsided smile. ā«
Just so you knowā¦ Iāll never pry. āŖ so that thing about lying earlier was nothing more than a tease, though he needs to amend: ā« Never willingly. Itās too early to tell whether Iāve got the hang of it, but I promise never toā āŖ cough. ā« ānever to tressā¦ tressā āŖ and he wheezes. chokes on a lack of sudden air, lungs clogged up as he coughs and knocks his knuckles against his chest. he tastes bitter sugar. pollen. itās there on his tongue, coating the back of his mouth. quickly he grabs the towel on the counter and spits into it, cheeks pink, and there it is: a petal. almost intact, too, bright red, and he clears his throat a few times more and he sweats, inhaling and exhaling as deeply as he can. ā« Sorry. āŖ he wipes his lips uselessly, hoping to distract from his growing agitation. ā« Whew. I uhā¦ should probably go get some air.
no subject
so far? he appears to be failing on that front.
oh. heās sick, too. but rather than a tickle in the throat and a cough that comes and goes, shiroās illness is ā violent. keith freezes up as it all unfolds, staring wide-eyed and useless. shiro coughs and keith knows he should be helping. somehow, some way. rub his back through the worst of it? get him some water? he canāt think of what to do in the moment, however, and so, his hands remain at his sides as shiro does all the work himself of grabbing the towel and knocking hard at his own chest. the wheezing hurts his ears, as does the sputter for breath as lungs lock up. keith feels his own labor through his next shallow inhale, pinpricks of pain catching inside his chest and climbing up his throat, some imagined lump seemingly working its way up. he swallows it back, however, expression drawn with anxiety and fright, only to collapse entirely when shiroās breath settles enough for him to say an apology.
what? ]
Thatās it? You just ā
[ forgot how to breathe in front of him and now heās saying sorry? keith doesnāt handle it well. exasperation is easier to navigate than the helplessness of his uncertainty. shiro doesnāt deserve this: the vampirism, the shrinking, the sickness. he definitely doesnāt deserve keith not-quite-yelling, but huffy, anxiety-ridden commentary. nonetheless, he canāt silence himself. ]
And you want air? Of course you do, you were justā¦ [ he makes vague gestures with his hands, only to give up to cross his arms. ] You have it too, donāt you? Whateverās going around.
no subject
and heās mad.
fear is often like that, when you care for someone. the lines between dread and anger blur, one bleeding into the other. emotions are hard. theyāre hard for him and he knows theyāre a challenge for keith, who was barely allowed a chance to reallyā¦ wade through them. tame them. survival prevailed, and honestly, shiro could learn a trick or two from him because clearly itās not the kind of instinct he possesses.
he winces, caught. grimaces his way through a poor attempt at humor. ā« Hard to say whether Iāve got it if we donāt know what it is. āŖ thereās a decent amount of cheekiness on his face, for someone who doesnāt feel cheeky at all. before he can figure out whether keithās amusedāhe probably isnātāhe sobers up, sighing defeated as he looks upward, an eyeful of starless wood with no answers. ā« Alright. Iāve been coughing. Could be a cold, could be a side effect of thisā āŖ he scowls, gesturing at the size of his body. ā« āwhatever this is. Could beā¦ āŖ hanahaki. he doesnāt say it. he pinches his mouth shut and stares back at keith, ultimately shaking his head as if to shake off the mantra hindering his thought process: nope, nope, nope, nopeā¦ ā« Eh, I donāt know. By the time we figure this one out, thereāll be something else. āŖ one day at a time, he said, but he feels so tired all of a sudden. he groans, pinches the bridge of his nose, the petal flitting mockingly to the ground. ā« I thought weād be granted eternal sleep.
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itās hypocritical on his part. keith is aware that he isnāt being fair. heās caught something, too. itās a slight tightness to his chest and an inability to fill his lungs to capacity. the tickle in his throat that forces him into a cough is an occasional burden, but one that is entirely manageable. keith is sick, but itās more akin to an annoyance than an actual problem. so in his opinion? not worth any level of concern. shiroās howeverā¦
so itās fair to be unfair. shiro shouldāve told him, especially with all these other things going on with his body. if keith had known, he couldāve been looking for a solution to that, too, while he scrounges up information on vampirism and shrinking. heās running away with his thoughts, getting caught up in anger that is born purely from unbridled concern, but then shiro saying thereāll just be something else to get him andā¦
oh.
it catches him off guard. shiro is far from an optimist. the morbid jokes and the ease in which he passes off voltron to him are all indicators that shiro gives all his hope away to other people. even so, keith doesnāt know how to handle this defeatist attitude; keith isnāt the one to give motivational speeches, afterall. so it happens again: the concern twists and curdles, uncertainty bleeding into accusation. because there on the floor, somethingās fluttered, and keith tracks it with his eyes. a petal? the coughing, the towel, the slight of hand ā ]
Is thatā¦ [ he bends down and picks it up. crouched there, keith turns it over between his fingers and then shoots a look upward, expression undeniably confused. ] Did this come out of you?
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itās laughable, in a bleak, sinister way. oddly enough, keithās the one that regularly pushes him to keep going. itās a bit ironic, honestly, but the guyās come such a long way, itād be an insult to his efforts, to his tenacity, to justā¦ give up. shiro can be a hypocrite, yeah. but not that much of a hypocrite. he can lie, too, and when keith plucks the petal from the ground, shiroās tempted to do just that.
his gaze softens and shoots down, barely resisting the urge to pull his freshly-dyed hair out. ā« Yā¦ā¦..es? āŖ donāt panic. donāt. panic. do not. fucking panic. ā« I keep telling myself I should stop munching on the bunsā rations. āŖ you know. because they eat grass and stuff. heās joking. itās obvious in the tentative quirk of his mouth, the palm of his hand uneasily rubbing at the back of his neck.
yeah. he panicked. ā«
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anger hasnāt garnered him anything of value. determination hasnāt either, strangely enough. see, this is his cue. heās met this cue every time before: post shipwreck, post vampirism, post first shrinkingā¦ keithās always been right there, ready to assure that theyāre a team and that theyāre going to figure this out.
but maybe shiroās right. maybe there is no end to this. maybe keith is useless in stopping it.
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the fight is snuffed out. briefly, keith lets all those carefully corralled feelings of worry, despair, fear overtake him, and from one breath to the next, a sad, broken quality pinches the skin around his eyes. but then he jerks his chin down and hides behind his hair, hand crushing the petal. ]
Be serious. [ sharp on his tongue, but heavy with emotion, he sounds angrier than he has the capacity to be right now. he takes a breath, trying to calm, but the pause swings him too far in the other direction, his voice coming out meek. small. ] I donāt understand and I ā ā¦ I need to understand in order to help.
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his chest hurts, for different reasons. thereās barely any hesitation before he drops to a crouch next to him and sits on the floor, refusing to stand taller when keith looks so crestfallen. ā« Keithā¦ āŖ shaped like a plea, his name escapes through a sigh, shiroās shoulders sagging a little, even as he rolls them. ā« Iām not sure you can. āŖ itās honest, if nothing else. there is a way, if whatever this is matches what he thinks it is, but he wonāt ask, and he wonāt beg, and he wonāt hope, for the simple reason that it shouldnāt be happening at all. ā«
I donāt know if anyone can, honestly. āŖ his forehead creases doleful, and his lashes flutter over his eyes, crinkled slits. ā« Iām not trying to be cynical, I promise. I just uhmā¦ āŖ and here goes nothing, a soundless and deep inhale as he shakes his head, distantly pondering what the fuck heās doing. ā« Have you ever heard of hanahaki? āŖ a beat. ā« I canāt remember if Iāve ever mentioned it before. āŖ in passing, maybe, or as he recollected old memories. ā«
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iām not sure you can.
itās akin to being slapped. keith winces, bracing with a tensing of his shoulders, once again lost, small, uncertain. pathetic. he presses his lips tight together, scrounging up the fight thatās supposed to burn red hot inside him. so what if shiro doubts? keith can make up the difference. heāll believe enough for the both of them. he can do this. he can do this. but he doesnāt make much ground with that temporary rush of stubbornness. it putters out and he slumps anew, a little too sapped to argue.
just as well, because shiroās still trying to push through himself and what he ends with is a question that, finally, coaxes keith into lifting his face from its downward hang. hanahaki? the name doesnāt jar any memory but it still means everything in the moment, because itās a name. shiro has a name. thatās a starting point. they can build off of that. ]
No. Whatās that?
[ curiosity clears the dismalness of his expression. hope does, too. itās slight at first, but growing. ]
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flowers donāt care, apparently, and that glimmer of hope in keithās gaze is a new lump in shiroās throat. fuck. heās barefoot on eggshells, trying really hard not to squirm uneasy as he lets out a slow breath, cheeks puffed out and brows raised high. okay. so when a man really loves another manā¦ ā«
It means throwing up flowers. Itās not exactly accurate... but you get the gist. āŖ if he did throw up anything, itād probably be butterfliesā¦
ā¦please donāt throw up butterflies. ā« It was a popular trope back in the day. I know my grandma was a fan. āŖ he snorts quietly, swallowing the sound with a barely-there wince. ā« Legend has it that if you love someone and itās one-sided, youāll start coughing up petals. āŖ imagine that. heās doing his very best to keep a straight face, unsure whether heās succeeding at all. ā« It was never supposed to be realā¦ but then again, I was never supposed to like drinking blood.
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throwing up flowers sounds particularly stupid, however.
seriously? incredulous is, at least, a marginal step up from the broken expression of before. keith sits it out and listens, eyes once again set on shiro to watch every barely there wince and uneasy squirm. inevitably, the cause comes to light and to say keith is doubtful is an understatement. he barely digests the information, which is why he fails to conclude the obvious. instead, thereās a kneejerk reaction of denial, the thought of shiro being in love with someone preposterous to begin with ā who could he have met and adored within the short time theyāve been here ā but more so ā ]
It canāt be that. [ nose wrinkles, upper lip pulled back, as though the very suggestion is distasteful to him. ] What idiot wouldnāt love you back?
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fuck you, universe.
it does sound particularly stupid. and yet. it canāt be that, keith says, and shiro is adamant on keeping the reason why it makes sense to himself. itās you, keith. youāre the idiot, and the stretch of shiroās lips would make laughter a little too sinister if he gave in. he manipulates it at the last moment into a low sigh, still a little hoarse from his latest coughing fit. ā«
Wellā¦ āŖ excellent start. he clears his throat for good measure, exhaling through his nose for the hundredth time; thereās something seemingly apologetic in his eyes, in the overall softness of his expression. ā« Love isnāt a choice. Iāve had to turn people down beforeā¦ great people too. āŖ women, mostly. a few men, too. he did care for them. love has many facets, and he just didnāt feel the connection they were hoping for. ā« It justā¦ didnāt click that way. Itās alright. It happens.
no subject
so they continue as they are, both of them crouched on the bathroom floor, discussing the concepts of love like this is an entirely normal way to have the conversation. keith takes it all with as much grace as is expected of him: he scoffs. ]
That happens to other people. [ being rejected. keithās experience with relationships and love is a blank page, but that doesnāt mean he doesnāt have ideas on how itās meant to work. and who itās meant to work for. ] But you're you. There's no one like you.
[ his voice has that stressed strain to it thatās both vehement and firm, the fact that keith full-heartedly believes this so potent that it's impossible to be misconstrued. translation? shiroās a catch. golden boy extraordinaire to black paladin protector of the universe, shiro isā¦ so much. so much good. ]
So ā [ HMPH ] ā definitely an idiot. [ a pause, but no, heās not done. ] Can't youā¦ I don't know, accept this guy's a fool, forget him and feel better?
[ ā¦ is that how it works? ]
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